Reformation.

My life isn't really going in the direction I would like it to. I've known this for quite some time now, made a few attempts to change the course of it but then gave up at the first sign of difficulty. I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore. I used to be a decent guy: morals, principles, hard working etc. I used to be the head boy of my old school, respected in my local community among famliy and friends... looking back it just seems like that's a totally different person. Now when I look in the mirror all I see is failure.

Anyway I've decided enough is enough. I hate what I've become and I've spent far too long feeling sorry for myself. Today is the day I turn my life around. It's going to be hard but I know I've got it in me. I mean totally reform myself: character, addictions, habits - the lot. I've also decided that I'm not even going to try to live up to expectations of me. I think that's what's done me the most damage - the high expectations that people set for me in their mind's eye. From here on out it's just me living my life the way I want.

At times like these in the past I would normally turn to God as a source of comfort but I don't like "using" him anymore. I do believe in God, but I don't believe (or practise anymore) that whenever something goes wrong you should just turn to him, feel sorry for yourself, cry?, feel better knowing that he will take care of everything and that "everything happens for a reason". Yes God created the heavens above me and the earth beneath me - and all that's in between the two. But I did not create God and he is not my shoulder to lean on when times get rough. I hate it when people accuse religious people of that and that's why I don't do it. Voltaire in one of his poems once said, "If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent Him". Einstein made a similar remark but I like to think that in this respect, they were both wrong.

My father once said something that's stuck with me ever since, "if you are determined and focused there can be no barriers".

And so my journey begins...